


I Wrote My Way Out

by shannyfish



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post 5x09, Team Arrow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 21:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8861866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shannyfish/pseuds/shannyfish
Summary: Takes place after 5x09. Felicity cannot allow herself to continue to grieve for Billy with Prometheus still out and Diggle in jail. She must rise up and focus on getting the justice that she thinks is deserved as well as put the team back together.





	1. Grief & Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> So, I really wanted to write something after 5x09. For those of you who follow me on Tumblr (shannyfishwriter), you know that I've been struggling with getting back into writing for Arrow. So, this is sort of one of my chances to do that. This time, I'm going to do scenes as chapters. So, it'll be really short, but then there will be a lot of updates. Whatever it takes to get back to writing, right? Also, not quite sure if I'll be mentioning Laurel or not, I might just skip her being in the final seconds. We will see. It all depends on where this goes.

It wasn't the grief that consumed her, but rather the guilt.

Billy.

They'd lost so many over the last four years since Team Arrow had been formed. Billy wasn't the first person that she'd lost and she knew he wouldn't be the last. Even though Oliver had been the one who had put the arrows into him, Felicity knew logically that it had been Prometheus who had not only abducted Billy but had also tricked Oliver into killing him. As her tears fell, all she could think was that she just couldn't be involved with anyone while working on Team Arrow, it was a little bit of a lonely life, but it was less dangerous for those she cared about.

Drowning in guilt or grief wasn't going to bring Billy back and it wasn't going to bring Prometheus to any form of justice...and the 'justice' that Felicity had in mind didn't involve the Star City Police Department or any attorneys or judges or prisons...it only involved Prometheus dead.

Death even seemed too good.

At the same time, it felt like the only just thing.

Over and over, she'd thought about everything she'd said to Billy, the information she'd gotten from him, and the information that she'd given him… Had there been another way? Could things have gone differently? Or was this the universe's way of telling her that this was the only way things could be, that she could never be happy unless she wasn't on Team Arrow (and she'd gotten a taste of a world where she wasn't part of Team Arrow when she and Oliver had gone to Ivy Town, she'd been the one unable to do it). Nothing had changed. Not in the ways that mattered. There was something about what they were doing that Felicity found that she craved. There was just no giving it up, not yet…

There was regret.

So much regret.

But she couldn't change who she was…

Just like Billy couldn't…

She understood that now.

Too well.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TBC...


	2. Sisters

As she sipped on coffee, she tapped her phone to life to glance at the screen.  She'd silenced it because she had wanted to be alone.  As much as she wanted to be held and told that it wasn't her fault, it wasn't how she felt...she didn't feel like she deserved any of what she actually wanted.  It had only been a day and though Thea had come to check on her several times during that twenty-four hour period, it was the text that she'd received that caught her eye.

 

_ Diggle's back in prison. _

 

It was simple and to the point.  It was from Curtis.  It was from the night before.  Suddenly it didn't matter what had happened because all she could think about was John, Lyla, and JJ.  Sucking in a breath, she knew that she'd had a day and that she couldn't stay there any longer.  As much as the team thought that they could do things without her (especially with Curtis being a part of the team now), she knew better.  Curtis was good, but he wasn't her and he didn't have the experience of working with every member of the team and the unique way to handle each one.  

 

Picking up her phone, she went to her text screen.  Her mouth hung open and a sob threatened to escape from her lips.  She just stared at the text that was still in her log from Billy that had the baby picture that he'd snapped.  That had been his last form of contact with her.  Below it, was something from Oliver.  It was something meaningless, but between the two of them...they killed her inside.  Breathing to force herself from crying, she couldn't cry right now, Felicity texted Thea.  Thea Queen had said before that she wasn't going to put on the suit, to go out as Speedy, but the last couple of weeks Thea had done it.  No matter what was going on, she knew that Thea would be there trying to get Diggle back out of prison.  

 

_ I'm coming in. _

 

She didn't wait for a response and instead just left the phone in the kitchen on the counter.  There was no way that she was going to be talked out of this.  Before, she'd not been sure about Oliver breaking him out...but now...now she knew that Diggle really didn't belong in there and that he could do so much more good out in the world (even if he were hunted).  The world needed John Diggle.  His family  _ needed _ him.  The team needed Diggle.  Oliver needed him.   _ She _ needed him.

 

Moving to her bedroom closet, she pulled out something to wear.  Her grieving mood pulled a particularly dark outfit out, but she thoughtfully also made sure it was something with a pop of color.  It wasn't for attention, but so she didn't look like she'd just come from a funeral.  Normally, a grieving period for someone she felt should last more than a day, but not right now...not after everything that had happened.  Billy was gone and she knew that the one thing they could do to honor his memory was to bring his killer (the real one) to justice.

 

Prometheus.

 

All those years ago when she thought she lost Cooper, when she felt that guilt and grief...she knew that this wasn't the same.  Back then, she'd changed...she'd completely changed herself (well, it had felt that way at the time).  Now, she couldn't do that.  She wouldn't.  She wasn't some damsel in distress of her own life.  No, now she had power...she had friends...she had a group...she did good.  She wouldn't let Prometheus take that away from her.  

 

The world still needed Team Arrow.

 

The world still needed saving.

 

She had to be a part of that.

 

There was a knock at her door just as she'd been moving towards her phone in the kitchen.  She moved towards the door, having a good idea of who it was.  Looking through the peephole, her suspicions were quickly confirmed.  She didn't know if she should feel relief that it wasn't someone else or if she should more feel like it was silly that Thea was there checking on her in person (and likely there to talk her out of what she'd already told herself she was doing).  Opening the door, she stood aside and silently allowed Thea in.  Closing the door, she turned to the other woman.  "Come to talk me out of it?"

 

"No."

 

"Really?"

 

"I'm actually just happy that you didn't decide to do something like find some island to hide on."  Thea quickly and unexpectedly moved to envelop Felicity in a sudden hug, one that was tight and Felicity nearly instantly wrapped her arms around Thea.  

 

"I can't sit here."

 

"I know."

 

"I don't know what else to do," Felicity admitted in a whisper.

 

"I know that things are hard right now and that you probably feel like you have to hold it all inside...and carry the weight of the world on your shoulders," Thea whispered as she held her.  "You don't.  You're not alone."  Thea pulled back, her thumb on Felicity's cheek as she held her gaze.  "No matter what's happened, you will  _ always _ be my sister, Felicity.  I will always be here for you...no matter what you need.   _ Please _ remember that."   
  
" _ Oh Thea _ ," she gasped.  Emotions suddenly overtook her.  Felicity clung to Thea once again, allowing tears that she'd told herself wouldn't fall, to fall…  " _ Thank you _ ," Felicity breathed, not realizing until that moment how much she needed to hear that.  Thea had been checking on her, but this...this was just something that she needed to hear.  She knew in her heart that Thea would always be there for her, she felt the same way, but there was something comforting about hearing it and being held by the other woman.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

TBC...

 


	3. Back to It

Skin against skin.

 

It was a simple gesture.

 

A comforting one.

 

One that Felicity felt wasn't used as often as it could be.  Thea held her hand as they stood there in the Arrow Cave.  Curtis was the only one that seemed to be there when they arrived.  He was quiet and Felicity had a feeling it was because he was waiting to see what she said.  He looked so concerned and so sad, even though it was hard to believe that Paul had just left Curtis...Felicity knew that life as a vigilante (no matter what the role) didn't make life beyond the cave an easy thing.  Relationships as they were were a difficult thing, let alone when you secretly fought crime at night. 

 

"Do we have a plan yet?" Felicity asked after taking a calming breath.  She was trying to concentrate on the business at hand, getting Diggle out of prison.  Then, they could move on to how they were going to go after Prometheus.  

 

Curtis seemed slightly confused for a moment and then ticked his finger back between her and Thea as he sat in the computer chair.  "Uh, Oliver went to go see Digg...that's all I know."

 

"He went to break him out alone?" 

 

"No," Curtis said quickly as he straightened up.  "He just went to talk."

 

"Well, we need a plan," Felicity insisted.  "And we need the team together."

 

Thea squeezed her hand.  "This is the team.  Oliver sent Rory and Rene home," she explained gently.  "I think the only reason he didn't send Curtis too is--"

 

"Computers," Felicity finished with a nod.  She sucked in a breath and looked around.  She supposed that made sense, well...in Oliver's head.  They had lost a lot.  They'd been betrayed.  None of that sat well with any of them and Felicity knew Oliver well enough to know that he was taking this all on himself.  She carried guilt and grief and betrayal herself, but Oliver was always one who felt like he needed to carry so much more.  "Okay," she whispered and closed her eyes for a moment, trying to think of what plan they could use to get Digg out--

 

Footfalls behind her caught her attention.  She and Thea spun around and he froze.  "Felicity," he breathed.  "I--I--"

 

"How is John?" she asked, taking a step forward, but still holding onto Thea's hand.  

 

"He's...he's hanging in there," Oliver spat out.  "Lyla was being threatened, that's why she made the call that trapped him...she didn't want to--"

 

Of course Lyla hadn't.  

 

"We need a plan," Felicity blurted out without thinking.  All she knew right now was that they needed to take care of Diggle.  They couldn't let that stand and they couldn't just forget about him.  They needed to help him.  They needed him and he needed them.  

 

"We have one," Oliver spoke up.

 

"Oh?" Thea prompted.

 

"John wants to go through the proper channels this time," Oliver explained as he stuck his hands into his pockets.  

 

"What if that doesn't work?" Curtis questioned.

 

"Then we go with Plan B."

 

"Which is?"

 

"Don't know yet."

 

Concern filled her even more now.  "Are we sure that's going to be safe?" Felicity asked.  "Or is it even possible?"

 

"I'm not sure," Oliver confessed.  "But we need to honor his wishes."

 

"Since when?" Thea countered.

 

Silence.

 

"Then we go after Prometheus," Felicity spoke up when the looks between Thea and Oliver seemed to stretch on forever.  

 

Oliver's mouth was open and he was already set to argue her.  "Felicity--"

 

"I'm here, Oliver," Felicity cut him off.  Her tone was stern and determined.  She was trying her hardest to keep all other emotions bottled up.  "Always," she added in a whisper as her eyes locked with his.  She squeezed Thea's hand a moment later and pulled in a breath.  

 

"Okay, so where do we start?" Thea asked.

 

"You too, Speedy?" Oliver questioned.

 

"Yes."

 

"No aliens."

 

"Still here."

 

Oliver looked towards Curtis next.

 

"I'm here, too," Curtis spoke up.  

 

"What about Rory and Rene?" Felicity pushed.  She knew that Oliver had never liked the idea of a new team and now it had to seem even harder after being betrayed by Evelyn, but the truth was that Oliver needed backup in the field.  There was also the simple fact that Prometheus wasn't an easy enemy to take down.  

 

"John and I were talking," Oliver said.  "Prometheus seems to be trying to take the team apart…"

 

"Lance," Thea breathed.

 

Oliver nodded.  "Evelyn."

 

"Me," Curtis spoke up.  He'd been severely injured by Prometheus, but he'd also had his personal life turned upside down when he had been forced to come out to Paul as part of Team Arrow.  Now Paul was gone.  Perhaps Prometheus had thought that that would have been enough to pull Curtis away from the team.  Even if that hadn't been the case, Curtis still wasn't one hundred percent, he had to be thinking about Paul.

 

"And Billy,"  Felicity whispered.

 

"He knows who we all are," Thea reminded.  "He knows our identities beyond the masks and comms."

 

"So, we just have to be careful...more careful than normal," Felicity said.  "We can do that.  It's not like we haven't ever had someone coming for us in the same way."  

 

Malcolm Merlyn.

 

Slade Wilson.

 

Ra's al Ghul.

 

Damien Darhk.

 

They'd gotten through all of that.  They'd get through this too.  Felicity just wasn't sure how she was going to feel on the other side.  All she knew was that she needed to get justice for Billy.  She'd figure out the rest once they took Prometheus down.  Right now, she had to focus on the present, as hard as that was.  

 

"Okay," Oliver finally said.

 

"It's only going to work if we're really in this together," Thea said and Felicity didn't miss the look she was giving her brother.  Oliver gave a silent nod in acknowledgement.  "So, where do we start first?"

 

"Curtis?" 

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

TBC...


	4. Teach Me

No John.

 

No Rory.

 

No Rene.

 

As Felicity looked around their current Arrow Cave, all she could think was that it had started with Oliver, Digg, and her...and then they'd had Roy, Sara, and Thea...and...and it seemed like no matter who was added to their team that they always lost so much.  They'd lost Sara and gotten her back again.  They'd lost Roy from the team (and sometimes it felt like their lives).  They'd lost Thea and gotten her back.  They'd lost Laurel.  They'd been betrayed by Evelyn.  Quentin was in rehab.  They'd pushed Rory and Rene away for their own good.  There had been so many innocents lost in their fight to make the city better, when was it too much?

 

Felicity felt like they'd already surpassed that number.  

 

Prometheus was dividing their team.

 

He was doing a good job.

 

She stared at Oliver as he, Curtis, and Thea trained off in the corner.  This couldn't be how it was, though.  Felicity couldn't handle that.  Not this time.  Getting to her feet, she moved towards them, she knew it was ridiculous for her to say given what she was currently wearing, but she had to wear it because it was weighing so heavily on her mind...and her soul.  "I can't let you go out there without me."

 

Her small declaration was enough to pull them all out of training and for Thea to end it was a good whack to Oliver's shoulder.

 

"Ow!" he exclaimed before glaring over at his sister, who just smirked and shrugged in immediate silent response, before Oliver's eyes were on her once again.  "Felicity…"

 

"I know you three are far more qualified than I am, but--"

 

"It's probably honestly not safe for her here anyways," Curtis spoke up.

 

Oliver's eyes were immediately diverted to the other man.

 

"He's right," Thea chimed in.  Oliver turned to look at her now, but Thea continued before he could say anything on the subject.  "Think about it.  Think about all the times that the Foundry and everywhere we've thought was safe has been invaded or attacked...do you really think that's smart?"

 

"Sara had helped me a little before she ran off time traveling," Felicity gave a small response.  She knew it wasn't enough.  It had to be right now though.  "That was mostly self defense, though."

 

"And you have no suit," Oliver pointed out.

 

"Well, I'm fairly sure Prometheus knows who I am."

 

"But the rest of the world doesn't," Oliver said a little gruffly.  His eyes turned down for a moment as he sucked in a deep breath.  A moment passed and he looked back up at her.  "And I'd like to keep it that way."

 

Safe.

 

It was such a funny word.

 

It was something that she hardly ever felt.

 

When she was there with everyone, with Oliver, that was always when she felt the safest.  Felicity, though, knew what he meant.  He'd tried so hard to keep everyone's identities safe, especially after Roy proclaiming himself as the Arrow (and then his death having to be faked).  Roy had done all of that to keep them safe.  Right now, though, she needed to do anything that she could in order to do what she felt like she needed to do, right now that meant going out into the field with everyone else and actually being able to contribute in some way.

 

"Can I convince you to carry a gun?" Oliver tried.

 

She stared at him.

 

"I tried."

 

He knew better.

 

Felicity had carried one before, but it certainly wasn't something that she preferred.  A bullet seemed like it did so much more damage and though she wanted to kill Prometheus, she knew that there was a huge possibility of innocent people being where they would be.  Killing something else...she couldn't handle any more blood on her hands.  

 

"I've tried your back-up compound bow out, that thing is easy," Thea brought up to her brother.  "Felicity could handle that.  It would just take some tweaking and a quick lesson."

 

"She could wear all black and that would be good enough for now," Curtis added with a shrug.

 

She wasn't too concerned with a costume.  

 

"What if we still need your tech skills?" Oliver asked her.

 

"I'll come prepared," Felicity told him.  "And if I need to huddle in some corner on my tablet, then I'll do that."  Sure, she couldn't do everything on the tablet that she could do on the system there in the Arrow Cave, but if they were all going to be together, she didn't feel like she'd need to have control over so much of the city's systems.  "Please?  Teach me?"

 

"Are you sure?" he questioned gently.

 

"Yes," she whispered.  "Teach me."

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

TBC...

 

 


	5. Breathe

Her back was pressed against his chest, their breathing slowly syncing up, Oliver's arm along hers, and her focus straight instead of the string or the fletching.  It was a way of letting go of the world all around for a moment.  Sure, she was mindful of Oliver and the bow and even the target, but everything else...it faded away.  

 

The world fading away was welcomed for that moment.

 

Aim.

 

Breathe.

 

Release.

 

Thwick.  

 

Breathe.

 

The arrow traveled through the air and towards its target quickly, but Oliver was guiding her to ready another arrow nearly instantly.  Her arrow hit the target far closer than her last had.  Felicity knew that once in the field that she wouldn't have a lot of time in between.  She'd witnessed Oliver, Roy, and Thea all out in the field with bows.  Sure, not all of them used compound bows, but she was fairly sure that using one meant that she should just be quicker than she was.  Out in the field, against Prometheus, it would mean life or death.  

 

Life or death.

 

So much of it had already been death.

 

They needed the  _ life  _ part.  

 

_ She _ needed it.

 

"Again!" he snapped immediately after an arrow had been released.  He was trying to get her to do rapid fire succession, but Felicity didn't know if she was capable of such things.  "Again!"  This was something that she'd seen when he'd trained the others.  She was used to his snappy tone, it was just a little hard to take when it was in her ear and normally when he got like this, it was something that she fought against.  

 

Not this time.

 

No.

 

She knew that she needed to welcome it.  

 

But she was still Felicity Smoak, no matter how much she tried to channel her inner arrow-y masked hero.  She'd felt good for all of ten seconds until her arrow had clattered to the floor.  She let out a sigh and almost felt like bursting into tears at the sound of it.  

 

His sigh emphasized how much of a failure she felt in that moment all the more.  "Let's take a break."

 

Deciding that maybe that was a good idea, she walked away to get a drink of water.  She found Curtis sitting in her normal spot, his hand already kindly extended with a waiting water bottle.  "You okay?"

 

"What?" she questioned and then it processed a moment later as she twisted the cap off of the water bottle.  Felicity squeezed her eyes shut before shaking her head slightly, as if she were trying to reset her brain computer into functioning properly.  "I mean, yeah...yeah I'm okay."  As she drank the water, she didn't miss the look of disbelief on Curtis' face.  "What?" she asked.  

 

"You can be honest, you know?"

 

She frowned in immediate response before turning to take in where Oliver was.  Felicity didn't see him.

 

"He stepped out."

 

"What?" she asked as she whipped back around.

 

"He's probably just as frustrated as you are," Curtis told her.

 

Standing there for a moment, she thought about that.  She knew that training her, especially training her on a tight timeline had to be difficult because she definitely wasn't Thea or Sara.  They both likely needed a lot less training than she did, or at least attention on the subject.  Felicity felt like she was letting Oliver down by not picking it up as quickly as they needed or that she wanted.  It wasn't just Oliver, though, that she felt like she was letting down...it was herself, the team...and Billy.

 

"Okay, whatever darkness is in your head right now, just let it go."

 

Blinking, she looked right at Curtis.  "What?"

 

"I can see it.  I know you're trying to hide it, but you can't...not from Oliver and certainly not from me," Curtis told her.  "We haven't worked together for that long, but I can still tell when something is wrong with you...and something's wrong...I mean, obviously things are wrong, but what I mean--"

 

"Okay, okay," Felicity said as she held up a hand.  She took a sip of the water and took a calming breath.  "I just don't want to be the weakest link."

 

"You will be."

 

She glared slightly at him.

 

"I mean it in a practical way since you're just right now learning how to use a bow," Curtis told her.

 

"I should have pushed Digg and Oliver to work on at least some more advanced self defense training over the years," Felicity stated before sipping her water once again.  

 

"You're badass as it is," he pointed out.  "You learning how to use a bow is only going to up your threat level against your foes."

 

"If only this were some video game…"

 

"Just think of it that way," Curtis told her.  "Let's think of a class…"

 

"Hacker."

 

Curtis shook his head, a smile spreading across his face.  "Well...bows and arrows...how about a hunter?"

 

"Do I get a pet?"

 

"You've got Oliver...and Thea."

 

She smiled a little at that.  "I suppose that can work."

 

"And you have me."

 

Felicity smiled more.  "Okay, so I'm a hunter…"

 

"Leather wearer.  Lone wolf.  That way you don't require a pet.  You're badass enough to go lone wolf, right?"

 

Lone wolf.

 

It hit her.

 

It was like a switch went off inside of her.  It was like everything they'd been talking about suddenly made sense in her head.  Her tone was distracted and almost distant as she finally responded to him.  "Yeah...yeah I am."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

TBC...

 


	6. You don't have to

Felicity had been multitasking, which she knew wasn't new, but this...this was different and she felt different about it.  She was exhausted, she knew she needed sleep, but she couldn't actually bring herself to sleep.  It was like she was past the tired point of being allowed to sleep and instead she'd just have to suffer through it until she passed out (likely there in her computer chair at the keyboard).  

 

She'd been thinking a lot.

 

Too much.

 

Most of that evening, all she'd wanted to do was turn her brain off.  If only it were that easy, if there was just a switch that could flipped where things would stop circling her brain and keeping her from relaxing enough to sleep.  This wasn't the first time she'd wished for such a thing, but this had been one of the rare times in her life that she wished it were that easy, to the point where she felt like she was going to fall apart if she didn't sleep…

 

"You need sleep," came the sing song voice of Thea.

 

Felicity turned in her chair to see the other woman standing there on the platform staring at her.  "Five more minutes."

 

"What are you?  Foamy the Squirrel?"

 

Felicity brightened almost immediately at that quip.  "I love you all the more suddenly."

 

"Don't tease," Thea played.  "Or I'll make you promise we run away together somewhere after this whole Prometheus thing is over."

 

"So tempting…"

 

"Right?" Thea said with a smile.  

 

"And getting John out of jail."

 

"Agreed," Thea said, her tone suddenly more serious.  There was a beat between them.  "Come home with me.  It'll be like a sleepover, but with actually sleeping…"

 

"Tempting as well."

 

"I just keep hearing tempting...my skills in seduction are obviously rusty."  

 

They just smiled at each other for a moment.  Felicity was extremely tempted to go with Thea, just so she wouldn't be alone.  She just feared that she'd miss the time to do things there and that she'd stay up all night.  She needed the sleep, yes, but was it worth it if she didn't even sleep?  She'd have wasted all that time.  

 

"You're both still here?"

 

Felicity turned now at the sound of Oliver's voice, spinning in her chair, her back now to Thea.  "I was just pondering coffee."

 

"I was trying to drag her off to my bed," Thea told him.

 

Oliver looked confused now.  

 

"It's nothing, Thea's just trying to seduce me," Felicity played along, just for Oliver's adorable face.  He was obviously tired too.  She knew that he didn't sleep as much as normal people did, normal being those people who slept for eight hours every night (and didn't go out every night wearing a green hood).  

 

"It's totally fine if I decide to take Felicity to some sunny resort... _ with wifi _ ...and marry her after this is all done.  You'd totally support that, Ollie, right?" Thea questioned like it was the most normal conversation and not just messing around.

 

"I feel like I've missed something," Oliver stated.

 

"You sure I can't convince you to get some sleep?" Thea asked,  her hand sliding down Felicity's arm as she moved herself to beside the computer chair.

 

"I promise I'll go in a bit," Felicity told her as she looked up at Thea.

 

Thea dropped a kiss into her hair and then moved towards Oliver and kissed his cheek.  "Good night!  Try to get some sleep!" she called as she left.

 

Turning back to her keys and screen, she pretended to be focusing on what she'd been doing.  Now, she honestly realized she didn't remember what she'd been doing...well, at least not where she had left off from it (since she'd been doing multiple things before Thea had interrupted).  She put her hand up to the side of her face and closed her eyes for a moment.

 

"Thea's right, you  _ should _ get some sleep," Oliver said gently in a whisper.

 

Felicity looked over at him, she knew that her exhaustion was crystal clear but that didn't mean that she was _ ready _ for sleeping.  "Are you going to order me?"

 

"I know better," Oliver told her, slight amusement present now.

 

"I just…"

 

"It'll be there in a few hours…"

 

"I'm afraid to sleep," she said as she looked back at her computer.  "I'm afraid to dream...of nightmares...of...of waking up…"  It wasn't that she didn't want to wake up, she just hated waking up and it taking her a moment or more to realize that Billy was dead.  To remember everything that had happened.  It was like reality came crashing down on her all over again.  

 

"Felicity…"

 

A sob climbed with her, spilling out.  She covered her face, her words filled with emotion and breaking.  Felicity still couldn't bring herself to look at him.  "I didn't tell you that so that you'll pity me or--"

 

"I would _ never _ pity you, Felicity," he whispered, his fingers brushing along her arm.  "I just--this is my fault...and I never wanted you to suffer...I never wanted you to feel like you needed to pick up a weapon of any kind--"

 

"But that's  _ my _ choice," she breathed as dropped her hands to stare at him.  Oliver was crouched down beside her, his eyes on her.  She sucked in a breath and moved the chair just a bit so that they were square sitting facing each other.  "And right now...I just want to stay a little longer…  I'm not ready to go home and sleep…  I'm not ready to face all of that.  Not yet."

 

"Can I sit with you?" he asked gently.  "I'll be quiet, but at least...you won't be alone…"

 

Felicity took a moment to breathe, not to completely calm herself because that just didn't seem possible in that very moment...but so she could feel more in control of herself.  "You don't have to--"

 

"I know," he breathed as his fingers intertwined with hers.  "But I _ want _ to."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

TBC...

 

 


	7. Certainty

There were some things that were just better when they were written down on paper.  They lived in a world of tech and text, but this...this was something that not even Felicity could type out.  It wasn't something that was properly conveyed through numb plain text or emojis.  No, this was something that had to go down on paper with a pen.  

 

_ I wouldn't trade any of it. _

 

She sat there, her knees pulled close to her chest with the pad of paper pressed against her legs as she wrote.  Felicity was determined to finish the letter.  She had to.  It was hard enough to say goodbye, but if she was going to say goodbye...then she needed to do it properly.  

 

_ I refuse to lose the chance to say goodbye properly to you.  You're in my head and my heart.  No matter what comes, you'll always be there.   _

 

Tears rolled down her cheeks.  Being happy, she'd learned, was a hard thing to keep hold of.  It seemed like no matter who she loved in life, seriously...they were always taken away from her.  Felicity knew that sometimes people blamed God or the fates or the stars themselves...but Felicity blamed herself.  She'd been unable to walk away from hacking or from Team Arrow.  She'd allowed herself and those around her to be continually exposed to every evil thing out there that came for the team...for her…  

 

So, she was saying goodbye.  

 

She needed to.

 

No matter how hard.

 

No matter how it hurt.

 

The sounds of footfalls echoing through the Arrow Cave brought Felicity's attention up from the paper briefly.  She was just seeing who it was and where they were.  This letter, it wasn't something that was really for sharing, especially not then.  They were so close to finding Prometheus and Felicity didn't need to distract any of them or have them thinking that she wasn't ready for this...for facing Prometheus.

 

She was.

 

"Felicity?" 

 

It was Thea and Felicity realized that the younger Queen sibling had to have been able to see over her shoulder as she'd wrote.  Her mouth dropped open slightly as she stared at Thea back over her shoulder.  She didn't know what to say.  All she knew was that her letter couldn't be a distraction.  Damn this family they'd made for themselves and she being the only one clumsy enough to make noise.  Swallowing hard, she knew that she needed to get in front of this.  "Thea--"

 

"I think I found Prometheus," Curtis announced as he appeared from the other side of the Arrow Cave.  Oliver was walking close behind him, obviously wanting to hear what Curtis had to say.  

 

Felicity turned in her chair, staring down at the letter for a moment.  She knew that it was nearly done and she just couldn't leave it like that.  So, she signed it.  

 

_ With love always, _

_ Felicity _

 

Quickly she folded up the letter and tucked it under her keyboard before shooting Thea a quick look.  There really wasn't time for this conversation and Felicity also didn't want to bring Curtis and Oliver into it.  No, this was for her alone.  It didn't matter who the letter was to, it was private, and though the group of them didn't have that much opportunity for privacy...this was one of those times where Felicity would demand it if necessary.

 

"Don't worry," Thea whispered with a sigh.  "But we're talking about this later…"

 

Felicity didn't say anything, instead she got up and she and Thea crossed the distance to meet where Curtis was already showing Oliver something on his tablet.  "You're sure about this?" Felicity asked.

 

It was only a breath before Curtis was bring up footage, a live feed, of Prometheus...and he wasn't alone.  Sucking in a breath, Felicity reminded herself that she couldn't think about Billy, not now.  She couldn't be a liability to the team, especially after she'd pushed so much for herself to go out into the field and then to get any kind of training so that she could do it armed.  

 

"Are you sure?" Oliver asked.

 

Her eyes raised to meet his and she gave a nod.  "I am," Felicity confirmed.  She wasn't sitting this out.  She needed to be out there.  

 

"Then let's suit up."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

TBC...

 

 


	8. Not Throwing Away My Shot

 

He'd told her to stay back.

 

Well, in truth, they'd  _ all  _ told her to stay back.

 

Felicity wondered as she moved closer if any of them actually expected her to obey.  They were fighting Prometheus after all.  She was back, not up close like the others, but her heart was beating so hard.  Curtis was always the first to fall and she noticed that Thea was trying to keep her distance, Felicity wondered if this was because of her fear for the blood lust returning (or just the memories of it).  

 

There was something shaking about watching Prometheus against Oliver...against the team.  His training was so good,  _ too good _ , and it was terrifying.  Oliver had been trained for years.  All she could think about was all the villains he'd faced and all the fights he'd won…  Thea had been trained by Merlyn, who had been trained by the League.  They were both more than capable...and here Prometheus was with the upper hand some way.

 

Breathe.

 

Aim.

 

Breathe.

 

Let go.

 

Breathe.

 

But her shot didn't hit because Prometheus deflected it away.  Felicity blinked as he started to move towards her.  Oliver was the first to step into his way, separating them and using his body much like a shield, but he only lasted a minute before Prometheus flung him aside once more.  Curtis and Thea both fell in as well.  Watching Curtis fly was hard, but the sick thump he made when his body hit concrete was worse.  Thea was there, red leather, and fighting Prometheus as hard as Oliver had...and her brother stepped in a moment later...both of them fighting.  Hand to hand, bows sometimes being used to block, and in all the flurry...Felicity realized that no one was focusing on her.  Straightening up, she breathed as she set the nock into the loop on the string and pulled it back.  Breathe, she reminded herself as she aimed the arrow.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Oliver and Thea were still in the way, Curtis still crumpled up off to the side, and all she could do was stand there...at the ready...and breathe.  

 

Wait.

 

The wait was the hardest.

 

Wait for it.

 

Breathe.

 

Wait--

 

Oliver went flying and Thea a breath later.  Something inside of her stalled her from letting loose the arrow right away.  She was freezing up.  Her insides shuddered, tears ran down her cheeks, and she forced herself to suck in a slow breath.  Prometheus was now facing her, they just stared at each other for along moment.  He was masked and even though his suit was different, it was scary as hell to realize that Prometheus' suit looked so much like the Green Arrow (and she started to wonder if that was on purpose).  

 

"I know who you are," Prometheus said as he took a step towards her.  "Felicity Smoak."

 

Of course he knew who she was. 

 

He knew who they all were.

 

"This isn't some kind of firewall that you can hack into from the comfort of some dark location only lit with computer screens," Prometheus said.

 

All she could think was about the Foundry, their original Arrow Cave location, but that wasn't their reality anymore.  She wasn't some IT girl by day, vigilante hacker by night...no, that was another life...a life that she'd grown from and grown out of.  Sure, she was still a hacker, but that didn't mean that that was  _ her _ .  She wasn't the goth girl at university with a need to change the world one hack at a time or even the girl who worked at Queen Consolidated/Palmer Technologies in various positions...this was her.  She was part of Team Arrow.  She was Overwatch.  She was Felicity Smoak.  She was made of more than her brain and her fingers' abilities to dance across a keyboard.  

 

"Good, then you know you should be scared of me," she breathed, her eyes never leaving him.  It was like a complete calm came over her.  She knew exactly what needed to be done in that moment.  So, Felicity went through the steps silently.

 

Breathe.

 

Aim.

 

Breathe.

 

Let loose.

 

Prometheus was dead before her arrow could even hit him though.  His body collapsing to the ground before her arrow could even strike the spot that would have brought him down.  She blinked, frozen, her mind racing and trying to put together what had happened.  As her vision focused, she realized that Oliver was behind where Prometheus had been...his bow was still up.  Her eyes moved back to the prone form of Prometheus and she mentally counted the arrows that were in his back.  She hated that Oliver killed...killed for her...again.  At the same time, Felicity was so thankful on so many levels and for some many reasons that he was dead.  She sucked in a breath and slowly released it, pushing it out as she allowed herself to lower her bow.  Her eyes moved back to Oliver, who didn't seem able to look at her.

 

"Everyone okay?" Thea's voice broke the silence as she moved in the middle of them all and looked around.  "Curtis?"

 

"That's not my codename," Curtis grumbled weakly.

 

She looked towards her friend and finally find the ability to move.  They all converged on Curtis' crumpled form.  "You okay?"

 

"Bruised…"  He gasped and groaned almost simultaneously.  "And maybe broken...but I'll be okay.  Prometheus?"

 

"Dead," Thea informed.

 

"Are we sure?"

 

"No, but he's not moving...and there are a hell ton of arrows in his back."

 

Curtis didn't seem to argue as they uprighted him.  "Who was he?  Prometheus?"

 

"Does it matter?" Felicity found herself saying as her eyes moved back to the masked serial killer who had been haunting them for months, torturing them in ways that none of them expected.

 

"I mean, it would be nice to know."

 

"I don't even care," she surprised herself and looked towards Oliver.

 

"You okay?" Oliver asked once their eyes locked.

 

Felicity nodded.  She was calm, her hand loosening and tightening its hold on the bow in her hand as she stared at him.  "Now we get John out of jail."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

TBC...

 

 


	9. Goodbye

"Oh my god, I missed you  _ so _ much!" Felicity whispered as she held him, squeezing him here and there.  Tears rolled down her face, they were a mixed kind of tear.  She was overjoyed that John was okay.  She'd been able to use some resources on the darknet in order to bring to light some dirt on the guy who had incriminated John in the first place.  She hadn't cared what it had cost, all she'd wanted was him home.  It wasn't just for them.  It was for Lyla and JJ too.  John deserved to be home with his family.  They were also sad tears because she knew that this was going to be a goodbye as well.  

 

"You know, I'm just going to go home after this…" John said slowly, a small chuckle escaping his mouth.  He didn't let her go though.  He held her.  

 

Felicity knew that often times people said that you shouldn't just let go of someone you hug, that you need to let them decide that they're done hugging.  The problem with that was that Felicity was fairly sure that she'd just gather them all up into one big group hug and never let them go...if only that were possible.  

 

It wasn't.

 

Finally, she released him, took a step back, and wiped tears away.  Thea took her turn and Felicity moved further back, giving people space.  Not even Oliver had been able to greet John again, he'd stepped back and let everyone else attack Digg first.  She looked over at him with a smile before retreating to her chair.  

 

"Tell him," Thea whispered as she walked past the other woman.  Felicity just frowned in silent response.  

 

Not now.

 

As she sat there, swiveling back and forth a few inches one way and then back the other, she just thought about everything.  There had been so much risk.  It wasn't just with Prometheus, it was being Team Arrow...it had been being out there as vigilantes on any level.  Looking over at John with Thea and Curtis, Felicity couldn't help but wonder if this was really the end of Team Arrow.  Thea hadn't wanted to get back into uniform, but it had been Prometheus...and it had been John.  She'd had no choice.  Curtis wanted to do better, but Felicity knew that his true talents lie within technology...that was going to be the way that he would shape and change the world that they knew.  Oliver though...he'd lost the most...and Felicity feared that he didn't know how to be a civilian in the world beyond...and she feared that he might feel like he might lose even more…  Her heart broke a little more thinking about that.  She could remember all of the times that she'd seen Oliver when she'd feared he'd been broken...when he'd even thought that all light had been snuffed from him...he'd always been able to get back up again and he'd always figured out who he was.  

 

"Hey."

 

Felicity looked over and realized that Oliver was standing there.  She frowned for a moment, confused.  Looking in the direction of--where had everyone gone.  "Digg--"

 

"Everyone left about ten minutes ago," Oliver told her.

 

She met his eyes.  "Oh."

 

"You okay?" he asked as he crouched down, so that he was closer to eye level with her.  His hand reached out and stilled her movement, his hand resting on her ankle.  "You've seen distant…"

 

"Are you mad at me?"

 

"No," she responded immediately, confusion filling her.  "Why would you think that?  Is it because of Billy--"

 

"Because I took the shot."

 

Oh.

 

Felicity was quiet for a moment, she bit her lip and took that in.  Everything that had happened over the last few days had been a blur.  A blur of not a lot of communication going on between them...also, the fact that she was just beyond relieved that Prometheus was dead.  It wasn't just because it felt like Billy had been avenged in some way, but it was more...she felt like the people she considered family were safe.

 

"No, I'm not mad about that," Felicity told him.  "I would have made the shot.  My arrow was--"

 

He was quiet and calm, "I know.  I just...there's a weight...it's a tiny bit of yourself that goes when you kill someone...no matter the reason...and I didn't want that for you."

 

She reached out, cupping his face.  "You know you don't have to carry that weight by yourself."

 

"Maybe it's my cross to bear."

 

"Maybe," Felicity allowed in a sad tone.  Her heart broke as she once again thought of all of the times she'd seen him so close to being broken.  "But maybe it's the last time...the last time you have to kill...the last time you have to be the Green Arrow…"  She sucked in a heavy breath, looked away, and then blew it out as tears streamed down her face.  Felicity's voice broke.  "You deserve to have a clean slate, Oliver.  You might have killed...but you've saved, too.  That has to count for something.  You deserve to go out there...to find a life for yourself...you deserve to see your son grow up.  You deserve everything that you had a glimpse you could have…"

 

"Felicity--"

 

"Just think about it," she said as she turned back to him.  He'd been so happy in Ivytown.  It had been a side of Oliver Queen she hadn't seen up until that point.  Leaning in, her lips pressed against his forehead, and her eyes squeezed shut.  That moment just ticked on for what felt like forever to her.  "I love you, Oliver Queen."

 

This was her goodbye.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

TBC...

 


	10. Always

 

The sounds of the waves crashing on the shore was peaceful.  She had only been there a few days, it had taken her long enough to figure out how to get there in the first place.  Now that she was there, all she could think about was how creepy it really was.  It didn't matter, this had been her plan...this had been her way out...or whatever she had originally felt like she needed to displace herself from.  Felicity had a month, to start with, to work out what she wanted to do next...where she belonged...and what steps she'd need to take.  It was silly, but she figured that it had worked for others…

 

Her sat phone rang.

 

She hadn't gone all the way out there without a way to contact the outside world.  

 

"Hello?" she answered.

 

"Are you kidding me?"

 

"He read it?"

 

Diggle huffed before responded on the other end.  "Yeah…"

 

"It's for the best, John."

 

"Most of us have other definitions for what it really is."

 

She smiled at that.  Felicity knew that they wouldn't understand.  They couldn't.  Everyone coped differently.  Things impacted some so severely while the same thing was nothing to others.  Felicity had left...without grand goodbyes (or any goodbyes) because she'd needed to go and not be talked out of it.  

 

She needed the space. 

 

"Is he okay?" she finally asked in a breath.  Felicity knew that Diggle and the others would take care of Oliver, but that didn't make it any easier for them.  

 

"I don't know.  He's just...disappeared."

 

"Did you try--"

 

"Yeah."

 

"And--"

 

"Yeah."

 

Felicity frowned and pushed out a breath.  "His tracker?"

 

"Offline."

 

Crap.

 

"He'll turn up."

 

"I know he will," Diggle said.  "Are you sure you're okay...wherever you are?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"I'm going to check in on you."

 

"I didn't expect any less," she told him with a small smile.  "Bye for now, John."

 

"Talk to you soon, Felicity."

 

And then he was gone.  As she stared out at the water, her toes curled into the sandy beach, she thought back to the letter she'd written.

  
  


_ Dear Oliver, _

_ You changed my life.  I had never thought I'd get into the vigilante life, not after everything that had happened in college.  It started with Walter, but I stayed because of you.  You and Digg became my family...and then our family just kept growing.  We were doing more than just being there for each other.  We were making a difference in the world and that was all I cared about.  Death kept coming for us...all of us...in different ways.   _

 

_ I wouldn't trade any of it. _

 

_ Being a part of the team has been the adventure of my life.  I don't know if I can ever come back.  I don't know if this is a vacation or a hiatus or a goodbye...all I know is that I feel like I need to say goodbye in case this is the only chance I have to do it.  We're so close now to finding Prometheus and I don't want to lose this chance.  I lost it with my dad when I was a girl.  I lost it with Billy.  I refuse to lose the chance to say goodbye properly to you.  You're in my head and my heart.  No matter what comes, you'll always be there.   _

 

_ Even though you weren't meant to spend all of that time on Lian Yu, maybe it was for the best.  As horrible as that actually sounds.  I've been there, so I know it's not like some kind of resort with wifi.  It's where you found yourself and it changed you...for the better, no matter what you think...no matter what anyone else might say...Lian Yu and everything you went through after it...that's what made you into the man that I fell in love with. _

 

_ The man that I still love. _

 

_ You were right about Ivytown.  We should have stayed there.  I just didn't have it in me.  I couldn't be idle.  I couldn't be domestic.  I didn't know how.  I don't think I've ever really known properly how.  I still don't know if I can be...or I'd ask you to run away to the suburbs with me.  Sometimes I think that maybe we should just turn back the clock, but that's not the answer…  Everything that's happened since Ivytown, it had to happen.  If it hadn't have, it would have come out in other ways...there would lies between us in different ways and we'd have still experienced loss...and maybe we'd feel guiltier about it. _

 

_ All that I know is that I'm going to take this journey into hopefully discovering myself.  I want you to join me, but I think you'll talk me out of it.  As much as I need to find myself, I don't like to be alone.  I'm better when I'm with you.   _

 

_ I love you, Oliver.   _

 

_ No matter what, know that.  I'll be back home as soon as I can.  You and John take care of each other, take care of Thea, and take care of the kids.  I'm calling them 'the kids' and knowing that you're cringing a bit while you're reading this.  I know you too well.  Do what has to be done.  Do it with your heart.  You can never go wrong there.   _

 

_ With love always, _

_ Felicity _

  
  


"I can't believe you came here."

 

Felicity smiled as she watched the sun go down.  "I can't believe you found me so quickly."  Looking back, she saw Oliver standing there.  How many hours had it taken him to get there?  She was good with just being on that beach.  She had a simple shelter for the time being, but she also had a Plan B for a more sturdy shelter.  

 

"You are aware that you're on the island that houses an ARGUS prison, which has some pretty dangerous criminals," Oliver told her.  There was definitely amusement in his voice as he moved to sit down next to her.  His bag was dropped off to the side, just a duffel.  

 

"They can just stay down there until I figure out things."

 

"I hope you don't mind me figuring out things here with you."

 

Her eyes moved to look into his.  "I don't know how long it'll take."

 

"Felicity, I'm here for as long as you're here.  Always."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

The End.

 


End file.
